I realised the issue.
It was the virtualisation all along. since the interface is in a bridge and this bridge is assigned to a virtual nic - the nic never went down when the plug on the hypervisor was physically disconnected. so the master opnsense never had the "interface down" event so it never got demoted and I always ended up with a "split brain" situation where both the primary and secondary became master in the LAN interfaces - and since on the wan both could see each other - the wan stayed master/backup.
I solved it by directly assigning the opnsense VMs the nics on the 10g card via PCI-E passthrough.
It was the virtualisation all along. since the interface is in a bridge and this bridge is assigned to a virtual nic - the nic never went down when the plug on the hypervisor was physically disconnected. so the master opnsense never had the "interface down" event so it never got demoted and I always ended up with a "split brain" situation where both the primary and secondary became master in the LAN interfaces - and since on the wan both could see each other - the wan stayed master/backup.
I solved it by directly assigning the opnsense VMs the nics on the 10g card via PCI-E passthrough.